Always Saying Yes? Understanding Fawning, Self-Abandonment, and Boundary Struggles

The Loop

So many of us have been there. We’re in a conversation with someone and then the conversation takes a turn. They say a comment that sounds like a request, an ask of you, direct or implied. On the inside, there’s a tension, a conflict - a flicker of “I don’t want to”. Then comes an even deeper trigger that happens so fast we usually miss it; the fear of coming off as unhelpful, selfish, uncooperative, or difficult.

The funny thing is, maybe they didn’t even make a request of you outright. But there was something about the shift in their tone, the perceived hidden message in their words, a silence or pause that felt too loud to bear, a look in their eyes. Sometimes the body reads these shifts as a threat before the mind can even weigh in. And for many, this can be a real struggle in our every day interactions.

So, what happens next?

We override the “I don’t want to” thats tugging on us inside. Until it goes away.

The tone in our voice gets higher, sweeter. “Sure, no problem”, “No worries!!”, “I don’t mind”. But inside something really true and authentic in us surrenders. We move into managing the other person’s comfort at the expense of our own. Sometimes we don’t even notice it until hours, or years later.

On the bright side, there’s a relief that we feel when the inner “I don’t want to” voice is overridden. The conflict we feel goes away when we surrender. The threat of being the difficult one, selfish, or unhelpful one goes away. And something in us gets to breathe again. There’s no tension. No conflict. We get to preserve this false image of ourself one more moment. We feel useful, good, needed. There’s a hit of something that feels like belonging or connection - even if it lasts only momentarily.

But it came at a cost of self erasure.

Over time, we lose touch with what we actually want. We lose touch with the opoprtunity to trust in our own inner tugging. Resentment toward others grows, relationships feel hollow, and a secret inner loneliness flourishes.

The Root

At some point—perhaps a long time ago— you didn’t have a choice. Reading the room wasn’t optional, giving in to the requests and demands of others wasn’t either. Maybe keeping the peace and preserving the image that you were helpful, agreeable, and easy to be around was the only choice and strategy available to you. Putting your foot down, disagreeing with someone, standing up for yourself, or simply saying no was met with dire consequences that ultimately left you feeling deeply lonely and outcasted beyond repair.

And to this day, you still operate this way. Because your own inner voice hasn’t felt safe to come out and say “you can put this strategy down now, there’s another way to be”. And we have no clue how to trust this voice when it peaks through.

So What Now?

There are many ways to work with this.

One gentle way to start rewiring this pattern can be with a pause. Pausing before saying yes outright. Noticing where in your body you feel an alarm going off.

The yes might still come anyway. That's okay. But it comes from a different place. A place that had a moment to check in with you first. And over time, that check-in can become something you trust. A signal you recognise. A felt sense of yourself that starts to feel more reliable.

That's just you learning to stay in the room with yourself for one breath longer than you used to.

That's where it starts.

A final thought

If you recognise yourself in this, there’s nothing wrong with you. In fact, I see it as something irrefutably beautiful.

You found a way of moving through the world in a way that helped you get through some hard times. This is a part of being human.

But patterns can change.

Not perfectly, but gradually, in small moments where you do something slightly differently.

And those moments can add up.

If you’d like support

If this feels familiar and you’d like some support with it, you’re welcome to get in touch here.